A Very Serious Review of Sakura Angels


I hate my friends.

Do you remember how Sakura Spirit ended saying that it was just a prologue of things to come for the protagonist? Well turns out Sakura Angels isn’t a sequel and has seemingly no relation to the first game, so so much for that.

The game starts with you waking up from a nightmare that’s far too ominous for its own good. The main character complains that he has these every night, and also wakes up with a piercing headache.

You then heads downstairs to the kitchen, where you learn that you apparently live in the fucking stratosphere. No wonder you wake up with headaches every day, you’re not getting enough oxygen to your brain at that altitude.

Heading out onto the streets of the city, you’re surrounded by “waves of students” as you head to school. However after not paying attention for a short while, you notice the streets have become “suddenly deserted”. This change is very obvious and very disconcerting. Just look at the difference.

Before you can fully cope with this jarring change in population, you’re attacked by the most horrifying thing known to man: art from a 12-year-old’s DeviantArt account.

You’re clearly no match for this eldritch horror, so you high-tail it. Right before it can kill you, you’re saved by two “angels”. Well, alleged angels, at least.

They say that you need to be protected because reasons, so they then proceed to follow you around and annoy the shit out of you the entire game. Except those times where they let you walk in on them while they’re naked.

Yes, they do confirm that it was intentional. Well, at least the bathroom ones. It might just be the most passive-aggressive approach ever done. They even take turns each day.

One day when heading home from classes, Best Girl- I mean Yuzuki shows up to kidnap or kill you or something. There’s also a tentacle monster, because of course there is. Unfortunately Sayaka and Hikari manage to fend her off with the power of teamwork. Somehow.

To celebrate, you all decide to head to the beach, where very important plot happens.

The next day you head to class as usual. However, on your way to lunch you think you spot Best Girl- I mean Yuzuki in the crowd, and manage to follow her to the school’s roof.

She ignores the rain beating down on her as she explains how she doesn’t feel like she has anywhere she belongs. Cliques had formed before she even had a chance to do anything about it. She feels completely invisible, as if nobody knows nor cares that she exists. You’ve been in the same class with her for five years, and you never even noticed. This runs so deeply with her that she was even willing to listen to and serve a clearly evil entity, and probably even knows that she’s just being used, but doesn’t care because it still means that at least someone will be acknowledging her.

You then ignore this extremely blatant cry for help and decide to ask your angel guardians for answers finally, because you’re just a selfish dickhead who clearly only cares about himself.

They finally divulge that your ancestor was the one who sealed some great evil witch in a crystal… thing. Now that the seal is weakening, you have to go restrengthen it in order to stop her, which seems like a bit of a short-sighted conclusion considering that eventually the seal will just weaken again like it is right now, but hey.

You eventually reach the cave where the crystal is, touch it, and wish really hard for the mean witch to shut the hell up. Congratulations, you’ve saved… uh, all those people you got to see before?

You might be wondering how I’ve already finished my ever so witty and sarcastic summary of the game despite it taking about as long to beat as Sakura Spirit, and the simple answer is that Sakura Angels was a pretty huge improvement.

Sakura Spirit was… well, it was bad. While the spiritual sequel isn’t exactly great, it improved on some of the major issues the first one had. There was a more credible threat than just “uhh, some slime girls are gonna do bad things… maybe?”; the sense of humor was better; the pacing felt better; and possibly most importantly, your decisions actually matter!

Admittedly the choices amount to “which of the two girls do you want to talk to/hang out with/etc.”, so not exactly the most riveting of decisions, but there’s one of three endings you’ll get based on what you pick.

I mean overall, I’d say the game is pretty-

10/10, would recommen-

Wait, Best Girl doesn’t have her own ending? 0/10, would uninstall and never touch again.

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